The Metropocalypse - Tales from the Metro

As I casually flicked through the pages of the 'Metro' the other day, a newspaper not even worthy of cradling a punnet of chips, I readily observed a tube carriage packed to the rafters with a menagerie of primates in suits all swinging on the bars provided by the TFL zoo keepers. Not a smile among them! Ahhh the corporate world!

I resumed my reading and soon the smile drained from my face as I read wave upon wave of tales featuring 'death, war and rape' that littered the streets of London town. Before long I too was clinging to the bars of the tube aware that my stop was drawing ever closer, where I was to depart in to the war torn wasteland known simply as 'above ground'...

Upon my arrival I scurried like the rest of the city rats out of London Bridge scampering for the sanctuary of work ... and then it hit me... where was all this apocalyptic bile I'd read? There was an old man pushing a cart and dog taking a crap in the middle of street but that hardly constituted the end of the world! I quickly resumed the reading of my veritable bible of fear and found that when you get past the first 7 pages, quickly the 'real news' dries up and we are left with pure 'wank'

Ahhh the Metro .. all filler, no killer!

This week I have learnt that ASDA make the worst sandwich ever ... as by a poll (its a crisp sandwich for anyone who gives a shit), that a woman who once won a gurning competition will gurn again with surgery and that after only twenty bookings in his last show Darren Day has 'bounced back' by landing a 'dream role' in Hollyjokes. Before I continue I must say well done Darren! And they say water doesn't always find it's level! Oh and thanks again to the 'Metro', without your gripping tales of 'cream always floating to the top' my journey on the tube in the morning would be a truly hollow experience!

But if the truth be told.. I would sooner read about Darren than panic every time I walk alone down a London street with nothing for protection other than said Metro... I want to hear stories of people winning gurning competitions, I want to hear of Panda watch, fuck; even badger watch would do... If only the San Diego Channel 4 news team replaced every form of modern news then maybe just maybe people would smile on the tube. I fear however that the trend of panic and hate that oozes its way into the pages of the Metro are just a product of society. I only stopped to wonder today why the hell do we live in a 'God Fearing' society... surely if God is real, and he/she created all of us we should probably not be scared of him/her but rather live in a 'God Loving' society.

I did however see the Metro has tried to embrace humanity by adding a 'good deeds' section to its paper... this week an old lady was given a bottle of water by a stranger after watching a young man throw himself under a train (you couldn't resist a little morbid news could you Metro?!) and someone wanted to thank their mum for giving them a lift to the airport. However some little devilish 'joker' wrote in the comments box "shouldn't they start publishing a 'bad deeds' section?"! What the hell is wrong with people? Does the depth of misery know no limits that people want to hear how badly others get fucked over on a more casual basis.

Is it not about time we had a paper that only told funny stories? Things like the massive goldfish that was caught at the University of East Anglia. From now on, inter spliced with my usual rants about the idiots who cock up our society on a regular basis, I am aiming to add some good news to the world though this blog, happy tales of kind deeds or funny things. All I can say is up yours Metro and thank God I didn't read the Daily Mail.