"Love Conquers The EU" Documentary

Love Conquers The EU is a new documentary due for release in Fall 2011.

It follows the stories of people who have met and fallen in love with people from outside the EU. We take a look at the stigmas and issues people face dating someone outside of their economic area. I would like to say a special thanks to Chris Fletcher for his contribution of the art work you see above.

Every year people meet from all over the world and fall in love. We are currently interested in peoples stories and how they overcame the issues they face such as visas, financial implications and even the stigmas that they felt targeted by from society and loved ones. (please send these to citizenwombat@live.co.uk). 

Please like the group on Facebook to keep up to date with progress:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Love-Conquers-The-EU/150478898351761

Roy Woodhouse - Director, Writer, Narrator

Linderberg Munroe - Director of Photography, Score

The Greatest Worst Film Never Made

I have decided to embark on a plan. After spending several hours watching classic films "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" and it's even greater sequel where the Mega Shark returns to take on a prehistoric Crocosaurus, and being inspired by the people who break from the 9-5 I have decided to embark upon my own project!

I want to make a film so bad it's awesome. A monster movie of totally un-epic proportions. I am going to take this project as far as it can possibly go and see where it takes me. When watching the great vs films mentioned above and other classics such as "Sharktopus" people are often faced with the inevitable question - are you a deliberate comedy, or just plain crap. I see the former and cause it takes itself oh so seriously hits an new level of post-ironic post-modern post-comedy comedy.

While I maintain no delusions of grandeur to ever hit the dizzy heights of so many levels genius I instead find myself inclined towards the world of Pastiche and Parody. I will make a parody of the classics and reference these movies that have in my eyes replaced the straight to DVD collection that came from Van Damme and Seagal, with deliberately bad acting, special effects and a B-movie that is so bad, it should become a C-movie.

For the record I would like to clarify that I am deadly serious in the desire to create this piece of history (I replaced the word shit) and only death or a return to sanity will stop me.

Therefore I dedicate this blog to the creation of the greatest worst film never made -

ULTRA DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS AND THE MUTANT ZOMBIE ARMY

 VS. HOT NINJA CHICKS

The facebook page is now up and running so please 'like it' and spread the word of this abomination.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ultra-Duck-Billed-Platypus-and-the-Mutant-Zombie-Army-Vs-Hot-Ninja-Chicks/189072831130391?ref=ts

Pride of Britain!

I have said in the past that I want to talk about people who truly inspire me, people who try to break away from the prison of the 9 - 5. Coming from an Acting and Writing background you might imagine that the person I am going to talk about next is from one of those disciplines. It's true that I find the makers of independant films who risk everything for their dreams motivational and that I want to be the next sucessful author with the surname Woodhouse... although unlike the last one I will endeavour to spell my name correctly. I have also made no secret of my respect and admiration for the late 'Dark Little Poet' Bill Hicks, whom I'm pretty sure had he been alive now would have taken on the mantle of 'Dark Little Blogger'. Instead my inspiration comes from the people I work with in my realife job, my 9 - 5 job in a recruitment consultancy.

We seemingly live in a Britain where deadlines are a best case scenario and targets are an advisory guide. We talk about the "Great British Work Ethic" that founded this (once) great nation. The people I have drawn inspiration from are not my colleagues, but rather the candidates who walk through my door. Some from outside the EU are limited to 10 or 20 hours (how we expect people working 10 hours on minimum wage to survive or £59.30 per week in London is beyond me) while others come from the EU come here and take the jobs that those oh so great Brits don't want to take. I have had the pleasure of being friends with several people from South America who in their own country work as Lawyers and Doctors, yet come here and struggle on minimum wage while they improve their English so that they may return home to start a better life. I have seen so many talented graphic artists, photographers, web designers and accountants who come from all over the globe and work tirelessly and without complaint. They take on jobs cleaning toilets and waiting tables because they are hungry to suceed. They want to be here and they want to work so they get the opportunities they deserve.

If you want to find the Great British work Ethic then look no further than the people who immigrate here. As for me it inspires me to work towards my goals in life. In my real life I will strive to help the people I work with to get paid more and find better jobs, and as for the rest of my life, George Lucas, if you're listening, I would make an excellent toilet cleaner! 

Know your Enemy!

Every day its the same old story... "The reason I work and pay my taxes is to fund the unemployed"

The unemployed are treated without about as much contempt as a sexual disease. Our 'Con-Demned' government is fighting back and reducing the amount of benefits these people receive. I admit there are probably people out there who don't want to work and do exploit the system... but if the system is there to be exploited - well that's another point.

However the majority of people either are out of luck or can't physically work. It is not a matter of not wanting to, they just can't. We see stories everyday of someone with 20 children claiming a million a year or an illegal immigrant living in Buckingham palace. We are led to loath these people and to fear that our hard earned money is being stolen. The media impress this view on us and the Government do nothing to dis-spell this opinion. In fact in some quarters you could actually argue they are encouraging it.

The truth is far from this. The country is far from being bled dry by the unemployed... instead £16 Billion remains unclaimed every year in means tested benefits:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/7144127/16bn-worth-of-benefits-unclaimed-every-year.html

I would genuinely love to know where this money goes to because I am guessing that over the last ten years we haven't got a magic pot that has accrued £160 billion that is being put aside for a rainy day. If my opinion is wrong and it is somewhere then please let me know and I will apologise. So why, if there is excess every year in this pot are the Government penalising the people who actually need help? It almost seems like the Government is trying to look pro-active in saving money.. here's an idea David, try saving some money by bringing our troops home from countries who don't want us there.

I am a lot less concerned by my taxes paying for people who genuinely need it, than my taxes going towards killing people who deserve to live. Maybe if we took the money we spent on killing and spent it on education and health care for the world I wouldn't feel like my tax was murdering our brothers and sisters and that we were actually building for a brighter future. Why for once not allocate that £16 billion for helping some of the people who sleep on our streets and trying to find them a bed at night. It's like we are being distracted by the unemployed 'issue' and forgetting about the bottomless pit of war.

So yes, I agree there are lazy people in the world. Hell, in a perfect world I don't want to work either, but next time you hear of someone who has to claim benefits and can't find a job, or a homeless person comes and asks for a little money why not try to help them, even just talk to them. Yes, they might go and spend it on a drink, but think what you might do on a Friday night with your pay packet. When someone comes to you and asks you for help and spare 20p why not give them the 'benefit' and give your soul a chance as they probably might just be genuinely out of luck.

Spider - The Porno

Having only just moved on from a drink called Pussy, I decided to distract myself with a search for the worlds deadliest critters. It was only a supposed to be a side errand before renewing my search for people who follow their dreams... it was at this moment that I discovered The Brazilian Wandering Spider!

(may I say as a disclaimer that I did not actually discover it unless nowadays modern day explorers just google things that other people already know about, however I feel that some rather unlucky sod may have discovered them a while before me)

The Brazilian Wandering Spider is the most poisonous spider on the planet and even more deadly due to its tendencies to wander around on the floors at nights and roam into peoples homes...

The usual symptoms of paralysis which is preceeded by intense pain that leads on to the eventual asphyxiation (or death by lack of oxygen as its better known) yes yes yes I hear you say... thats very standard... ahhh but there is more... In men sometimes it can cause Priapism! (or between you and me and massive painful erection that last for hours and eventually leads to impotence)

How sexy is Brazil?! Even the spider bites get you in the mood... sure you're going to die and even if you don't your penis will never work again... but for those few hours...! From the country that brought you Samba...

I think this all leads on to a slice of filmic gold... imagine the scene... the man is out chopping wood, the woman at home walking around the house in lingerie, cause obviously that's how real life is. Suddenly the man runs in "Baby... I've been bitten, I've only got a few hours to live" The woman looks shocked... "But something happened" (The reveal)... "Lets not waste it" - It is then that the synth music kicks in with a healthy dose of wa-wa pedal and the 'romance' begins.

Further ideas...Maybe halfway through the paralysis could set in which provides a story based reason for changing positions to the 'lady' being on top. Why not on top of that allow a man dressed as the spider to come in 'get involved as well - genious. I have been called visionary but I believe this is golden. As for the sequel why not have a radioactive spider biting the man and he gaining 'super powers'.

So Mr Raimi, if you're listening and you're bored, if you fancy directing this possible trilogy let me know. I'm all ears.

A Curious Find

Until the other day I had never realised how empty my life was... I was incomplete, just a wandering lost soul roaming the planet without meaning. That was until I discovered...

Pussy! I never knew what I was missing! Before I knew it existed I never thought about it but now its all I can think about. I spend my entire day just thinking of Pussy. Some people would say it was a curse, that if I had never discovered it I would be thinking of 'more important things', but fuck them, what do they know?! They've obviously never tried Pussy. In fact I love the taste of this fantastic energy drink so much its the reason I get up in the morning and it keeps me awake and active late into the night. Whoever thought of putting Pussy in a can deserves a hand shake from me.

Today I had some Pussy at work, on the Tube and even grabbed myself some Pussy on the walk home. In fact it inspired me to try and invent a new kind of magnet that attracts aluminium cans and when I succeed I'm going to name my creation after the very product that inspired it. Clearly though, Pussy isn't new! I was watching some Bill Hicks the other night when I noticed his Pussy speech... Don't worry Bill, from what I hear most people are addicted to it too.

And the best thing about it is that every can seems to taste different! So go out and grab yourself some Pussy as quickly as you can! I promise you won't regret it and the next time I see you on the train and you look tired I'm going to ask ... hey buddy, when's the last time you had some Pussy?

New Year, New Plan!

As the hangovers fade and the debris from the streets get cleared, the people decide the set of promises that will be broken within the month. People will spend thousands on gym memberships that will be visited once or twice before the pass is resigned to the dusty drawer and the direct debit will keep on ticking over.

Others will promise to enjoy life more, yet never even contemplate following the dreams that shaped their childhoods.

This is not for me! I grew up always wanting to work as an actor and a writer. I have always wanted to appear in a zombie movie and live in Brazil. These are known as dreams. They have shaped my life and have led me to where I am now, so where did it all go wrong? Instead of on a film set I find myself paying bills with a sales job -professionally pissing people off for money.

So I set you a challenge this year if you are reading this... Follow a dream you had as a child!

If you wanted to be an artist - paint a picture... you don't have to cut off your ear or quit your daily grind. If you wanted to be a racing driver have a track day at a racing circuit. Remember the child you were and take inspiration from people like Wayne Dudley, 22, who wrote, directed and filmed a production which includes an actor out of 24 on a budget of £230 pounds:

http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/home-news/young-scot-writes-produces-and-directs-a-movie-for-230-1.1077418

The truth is that everyday I look in the mirror I forget a little bit more of what I wanted ... so its time to stop. This blog is now less a rant and more a statement of intent - it will follow my quest to stop taking life too seriously and realise my dreams...

And Brad Pitt, if you're reading this and your childhood dream was to work in a office and make phone calls to people who don't want to pick up, then please give me a shout cause I might just be up for a swap!

What is the price of life?

There is nothing humane about human beings! We have always had two arms, two legs and two faces. The least human creation we have ever invented is work... what the fuck were we thinking?... you see, if you earn minimum wage in a modern British city and work 40 hours before tax and insurance you have almost 240 pounds. By the time you have paid your tax, you bills and your rent you are left with around £40. You work for a pound an hour. Work it out... have a look... you live to your means and what you're left with is pittance. If you're paid monthly at the start of the month you forget your bills and spend like you can afford to live. Feast at the start and famine at the end.

We are trapped in an endless spiral which gives us the illusion of having just enough money to have freedom and little enough to overspend and get yourself into deep deep debt. Soon before you know you are borrowing money, desperate to work harder to get that little bit more, getting further and further into trouble... Before long you have a nation packed to the rafters with people who can't afford to pay back the money they owe which the banks call bad debt. Then you get the collapse of a nations economy.... thank god no country would ever be this stupid to let this happen! Dear me, how we would panic if we ever heard the word recession. They want you to think that if the banks collapse the world would end... like Dr Malcolm says life will find a way, we will survive. I am an athmoneist... I do not believe it exists... we have based our society on three things that require faith and cannot be proved or disproved - God, Time and Money and I find the first two far more plausible than the last. For all those people who tell me religion has caused more wars than anything else... you can shut the fuck up if you think the currency you hold so dear has no blood on its notes.

But while we all believe that money is real you are left being free to do what they tell you... There are hooks marketed towards us to encourage us to spend spend spend. You need this car, this house and this mattress fit for an astronaut. Bill Hicks said it... "if you're are in Marketing... kill yourself"

Bitter? I think so!

Ps: I don't love you...

Before I begin my rant may I just say that I have never, nor do intend to, watched this trite debacle of a film.
I have merely just read a surmmary of the film after being told 'it's the greatest film ever made' by one particular moron. Wow this must surpass even Star Wars and Fight Club I thought... I must watch this film, but before I did... solely so I wasn't too overawed I decided to check out the story...

Summary... Piece of Shit!

Does it not seem like the most selfish film idea ever? A man who sends 10 letters after his death to 'help' his ex-wife move on... yes cause nothing helps you forget about someone like a constant reminder of the love you had. If it was a real man he might as well have just written  "ps I your cooking sucked and remember that fart smell... on the tube on 21/01/09... yep that was me and not the old guy I pinpointed" through to "you better not be seeing anyone else yet cause if you are I will come back and haunt you and your mum... I never liked her but she made a move on me when you were in Thailand"... why not, I mean if you want to help someone move on you might as well make them think you're an asshole.

No man could ever have written this film! First you must imagine that if 'man-flu' can bring our worlds to a stand still then I have a feeling that a terminal illness might just prevent him from writing ten deeply emotional letters than taking the time to arrange the delivery over the course of time.Secondly it raises a very interesting question of how much unfair pressure does society put on women?

Rightly so women and men can both do anything they want with their lives but, read a copy of Stylist magazines' successful woman biography each month then you will soon see that you can only be a successful woman if you get up at the crack of dawn, run a multinational conglomerate and your husband who can barely remember your face is busy having an affair with his secretary. More so is the fact that they are told the perfect body (which is in fact a stick insect with a photoshopped head on it) is the only way to get the man of your dreams. Please will some of this models eat a cake and someone ask us what we really want to see cause I guarentee we all want something different...

Last but by no means least, films like this travesty remind women of the 'perfect man'. Women get far too much giref in this society and bi-proxy so do men. Quite simply he does not exist. One ex-girlfriend said to me that the man she was looking for was Intelligent, funny, creative, witty, artistic and always fun while at the same time he must be Mr 9-5, maybe an accountant, lawyer or something stable... This guy sounds amazing, hell even I'd date him!! Films like this set the benchmark far too high and leave women constantly dissappointed.

I can guarentee that most men are far more Gerard Houllier than Gerard Butler.

Curious Questions... #1 - Pitball Terrors

The Pitbull Terrier - possibly the most feared dog on the planet and usually found on the end of a leash held by an equally detested member of society who would not look out of place in a Shane Meadows movie.

I was talking to a colleague of mine who at one time was savaged on her leg by one of these miniture cerberuses. The thing that makes the attacks so frightful is that they have a tendancy to lock their jaws and shake violently until said appendage they have grasped comes off...

Now there is a rumour going round of what to do in such an occurance and after informing my colleage she concurred she had heard the same... apparently to force these little monsters to unclasp their jaw and release their vice like grip you must simply insert your finger into the animals rectum...

What fucking idiot tried this? Who was the first person who thought - hang on, I've got an idea! They must be in the same league as the first person who decided to piss on someone who had just suffered a jellyfish sting! Why would you do this?! Where is the logic while being shaken violently and the impending doom of bleeding to death? Instead of gauging the eyes or trying to prise open the jaws they anally intruded the dog with their finger... I would like to see someone try the same with a great white shark mid attack or even a patricularly angry boss.

The other question is does this actually work? Is it in fact an ellaborate practical joke to make this experience that little bit worse as the victim also has faeces on their index finger? I want to know quite simply has anyone tried this or is it just someone trying to take the piss/shit?

Hasta la Victoria Siempre TFL

As I approached the entrance to Northfields Tube Station yesterday snarling like an aggrieved Jack Russel who had just had his bone stolen from him I never expected that three minutes later my entire world would change. The tube strike was yet again bringing the commuting world to a halt in an even more biblical fashion than the Red Sea and unfortunalty there was no Moses to be found.

The list of stations closed by the strike spanned two pages of the LCD screen and I frantically scanned the monitor to see if there was any chance of getting to work on time. Then it hit me. I started to laugh! I made a few jokes with the TFL worker. It's as if I heard the prophet Bill Hicks "It's just a ride" speech booming over the tannoys. I am an actor, a writer and wannabee philanthropist. In this moment I had what an alcoholic would declare a moment of clarity. In what way is being late for work (that means nothing) a bad thing? I have been grumbling about life for far too long and hateful of the 'TFL mafia" when all along they were trying to save us.

If the truth be told I couldn't see a hell of a lot of difference between the strikes and 'normal service' as my pilgrimage to work seemed to drag on forever. However one thing was different. I enjoyed my journey. A good friend once said to me...

"You can only deny who you are and pretend to be someone else for so long"

Do you think when God, or Stephen Hawkings depending on your belief structure, created us they imagined a world where we would sit in misery in offices around the world working for a white picket fence? This country, this world needs a revolution but before that can start I need to grow a really good beard. When was he last time you saw a clean shaven revolutionary?

Written by @roywoodhouse

(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)