Thursday, 27 January 2011

Pride of Britain!

I have said in the past that I want to talk about people who truly inspire me, people who try to break away from the prison of the 9 - 5. Coming from an Acting and Writing background you might imagine that the person I am going to talk about next is from one of those disciplines. It's true that I find the makers of independant films who risk everything for their dreams motivational and that I want to be the next sucessful author with the surname Woodhouse... although unlike the last one I will endeavour to spell my name correctly. I have also made no secret of my respect and admiration for the late 'Dark Little Poet' Bill Hicks, whom I'm pretty sure had he been alive now would have taken on the mantle of 'Dark Little Blogger'. Instead my inspiration comes from the people I work with in my realife job, my 9 - 5 job in a recruitment consultancy.

We seemingly live in a Britain where deadlines are a best case scenario and targets are an advisory guide. We talk about the "Great British Work Ethic" that founded this (once) great nation. The people I have drawn inspiration from are not my colleagues, but rather the candidates who walk through my door. Some from outside the EU are limited to 10 or 20 hours (how we expect people working 10 hours on minimum wage to survive or £59.30 per week in London is beyond me) while others come from the EU come here and take the jobs that those oh so great Brits don't want to take. I have had the pleasure of being friends with several people from South America who in their own country work as Lawyers and Doctors, yet come here and struggle on minimum wage while they improve their English so that they may return home to start a better life. I have seen so many talented graphic artists, photographers, web designers and accountants who come from all over the globe and work tirelessly and without complaint. They take on jobs cleaning toilets and waiting tables because they are hungry to suceed. They want to be here and they want to work so they get the opportunities they deserve.

If you want to find the Great British work Ethic then look no further than the people who immigrate here. As for me it inspires me to work towards my goals in life. In my real life I will strive to help the people I work with to get paid more and find better jobs, and as for the rest of my life, George Lucas, if you're listening, I would make an excellent toilet cleaner! 

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Know your Enemy!

Every day its the same old story... "The reason I work and pay my taxes is to fund the unemployed"

The unemployed are treated without about as much contempt as a sexual disease. Our 'Con-Demned' government is fighting back and reducing the amount of benefits these people receive. I admit there are probably people out there who don't want to work and do exploit the system... but if the system is there to be exploited - well that's another point.

However the majority of people either are out of luck or can't physically work. It is not a matter of not wanting to, they just can't. We see stories everyday of someone with 20 children claiming a million a year or an illegal immigrant living in Buckingham palace. We are led to loath these people and to fear that our hard earned money is being stolen. The media impress this view on us and the Government do nothing to dis-spell this opinion. In fact in some quarters you could actually argue they are encouraging it.

The truth is far from this. The country is far from being bled dry by the unemployed... instead £16 Billion remains unclaimed every year in means tested benefits:

I would genuinely love to know where this money goes to because I am guessing that over the last ten years we haven't got a magic pot that has accrued £160 billion that is being put aside for a rainy day. If my opinion is wrong and it is somewhere then please let me know and I will apologise. So why, if there is excess every year in this pot are the Government penalising the people who actually need help? It almost seems like the Government is trying to look pro-active in saving money.. here's an idea David, try saving some money by bringing our troops home from countries who don't want us there.

I am a lot less concerned by my taxes paying for people who genuinely need it, than my taxes going towards killing people who deserve to live. Maybe if we took the money we spent on killing and spent it on education and health care for the world I wouldn't feel like my tax was murdering our brothers and sisters and that we were actually building for a brighter future. Why for once not allocate that £16 billion for helping some of the people who sleep on our streets and trying to find them a bed at night. It's like we are being distracted by the unemployed 'issue' and forgetting about the bottomless pit of war.

So yes, I agree there are lazy people in the world. Hell, in a perfect world I don't want to work either, but next time you hear of someone who has to claim benefits and can't find a job, or a homeless person comes and asks for a little money why not try to help them, even just talk to them. Yes, they might go and spend it on a drink, but think what you might do on a Friday night with your pay packet. When someone comes to you and asks you for help and spare 20p why not give them the 'benefit' and give your soul a chance as they probably might just be genuinely out of luck.

Monday, 10 January 2011

Spider - The Porno

Having only just moved on from a drink called Pussy, I decided to distract myself with a search for the worlds deadliest critters. It was only a supposed to be a side errand before renewing my search for people who follow their dreams... it was at this moment that I discovered The Brazilian Wandering Spider!

(may I say as a disclaimer that I did not actually discover it unless nowadays modern day explorers just google things that other people already know about, however I feel that some rather unlucky sod may have discovered them a while before me)

The Brazilian Wandering Spider is the most poisonous spider on the planet and even more deadly due to its tendencies to wander around on the floors at nights and roam into peoples homes...

The usual symptoms of paralysis which is preceeded by intense pain that leads on to the eventual asphyxiation (or death by lack of oxygen as its better known) yes yes yes I hear you say... thats very standard... ahhh but there is more... In men sometimes it can cause Priapism! (or between you and me and massive painful erection that last for hours and eventually leads to impotence)

How sexy is Brazil?! Even the spider bites get you in the mood... sure you're going to die and even if you don't your penis will never work again... but for those few hours...! From the country that brought you Samba...

I think this all leads on to a slice of filmic gold... imagine the scene... the man is out chopping wood, the woman at home walking around the house in lingerie, cause obviously that's how real life is. Suddenly the man runs in "Baby... I've been bitten, I've only got a few hours to live" The woman looks shocked... "But something happened" (The reveal)... "Lets not waste it" - It is then that the synth music kicks in with a healthy dose of wa-wa pedal and the 'romance' begins.

Further ideas...Maybe halfway through the paralysis could set in which provides a story based reason for changing positions to the 'lady' being on top. Why not on top of that allow a man dressed as the spider to come in 'get involved as well - genious. I have been called visionary but I believe this is golden. As for the sequel why not have a radioactive spider biting the man and he gaining 'super powers'.

So Mr Raimi, if you're listening and you're bored, if you fancy directing this possible trilogy let me know. I'm all ears.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

A Curious Find

Until the other day I had never realised how empty my life was... I was incomplete, just a wandering lost soul roaming the planet without meaning. That was until I discovered...

Pussy! I never knew what I was missing! Before I knew it existed I never thought about it but now its all I can think about. I spend my entire day just thinking of Pussy. Some people would say it was a curse, that if I had never discovered it I would be thinking of 'more important things', but fuck them, what do they know?! They've obviously never tried Pussy. In fact I love the taste of this fantastic energy drink so much its the reason I get up in the morning and it keeps me awake and active late into the night. Whoever thought of putting Pussy in a can deserves a hand shake from me.

Today I had some Pussy at work, on the Tube and even grabbed myself some Pussy on the walk home. In fact it inspired me to try and invent a new kind of magnet that attracts aluminium cans and when I succeed I'm going to name my creation after the very product that inspired it. Clearly though, Pussy isn't new! I was watching some Bill Hicks the other night when I noticed his Pussy speech... Don't worry Bill, from what I hear most people are addicted to it too.

And the best thing about it is that every can seems to taste different! So go out and grab yourself some Pussy as quickly as you can! I promise you won't regret it and the next time I see you on the train and you look tired I'm going to ask ... hey buddy, when's the last time you had some Pussy?

Sunday, 2 January 2011

New Year, New Plan!

As the hangovers fade and the debris from the streets get cleared, the people decide the set of promises that will be broken within the month. People will spend thousands on gym memberships that will be visited once or twice before the pass is resigned to the dusty drawer and the direct debit will keep on ticking over.

Others will promise to enjoy life more, yet never even contemplate following the dreams that shaped their childhoods.

This is not for me! I grew up always wanting to work as an actor and a writer. I have always wanted to appear in a zombie movie and live in Brazil. These are known as dreams. They have shaped my life and have led me to where I am now, so where did it all go wrong? Instead of on a film set I find myself paying bills with a sales job -professionally pissing people off for money.

So I set you a challenge this year if you are reading this... Follow a dream you had as a child!

If you wanted to be an artist - paint a picture... you don't have to cut off your ear or quit your daily grind. If you wanted to be a racing driver have a track day at a racing circuit. Remember the child you were and take inspiration from people like Wayne Dudley, 22, who wrote, directed and filmed a production which includes an actor out of 24 on a budget of £230 pounds:

The truth is that everyday I look in the mirror I forget a little bit more of what I wanted ... so its time to stop. This blog is now less a rant and more a statement of intent - it will follow my quest to stop taking life too seriously and realise my dreams...

And Brad Pitt, if you're reading this and your childhood dream was to work in a office and make phone calls to people who don't want to pick up, then please give me a shout cause I might just be up for a swap!