Monday, 10 January 2011

Spider - The Porno

Having only just moved on from a drink called Pussy, I decided to distract myself with a search for the worlds deadliest critters. It was only a supposed to be a side errand before renewing my search for people who follow their dreams... it was at this moment that I discovered The Brazilian Wandering Spider!

(may I say as a disclaimer that I did not actually discover it unless nowadays modern day explorers just google things that other people already know about, however I feel that some rather unlucky sod may have discovered them a while before me)

The Brazilian Wandering Spider is the most poisonous spider on the planet and even more deadly due to its tendencies to wander around on the floors at nights and roam into peoples homes...

The usual symptoms of paralysis which is preceeded by intense pain that leads on to the eventual asphyxiation (or death by lack of oxygen as its better known) yes yes yes I hear you say... thats very standard... ahhh but there is more... In men sometimes it can cause Priapism! (or between you and me and massive painful erection that last for hours and eventually leads to impotence)

How sexy is Brazil?! Even the spider bites get you in the mood... sure you're going to die and even if you don't your penis will never work again... but for those few hours...! From the country that brought you Samba...

I think this all leads on to a slice of filmic gold... imagine the scene... the man is out chopping wood, the woman at home walking around the house in lingerie, cause obviously that's how real life is. Suddenly the man runs in "Baby... I've been bitten, I've only got a few hours to live" The woman looks shocked... "But something happened" (The reveal)... "Lets not waste it" - It is then that the synth music kicks in with a healthy dose of wa-wa pedal and the 'romance' begins.

Further ideas...Maybe halfway through the paralysis could set in which provides a story based reason for changing positions to the 'lady' being on top. Why not on top of that allow a man dressed as the spider to come in 'get involved as well - genious. I have been called visionary but I believe this is golden. As for the sequel why not have a radioactive spider biting the man and he gaining 'super powers'.

So Mr Raimi, if you're listening and you're bored, if you fancy directing this possible trilogy let me know. I'm all ears.

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