Thursday, 25 November 2010

What is the price of life?

There is nothing humane about human beings! We have always had two arms, two legs and two faces. The least human creation we have ever invented is work... what the fuck were we thinking?... you see, if you earn minimum wage in a modern British city and work 40 hours before tax and insurance you have almost 240 pounds. By the time you have paid your tax, you bills and your rent you are left with around £40. You work for a pound an hour. Work it out... have a look... you live to your means and what you're left with is pittance. If you're paid monthly at the start of the month you forget your bills and spend like you can afford to live. Feast at the start and famine at the end.

We are trapped in an endless spiral which gives us the illusion of having just enough money to have freedom and little enough to overspend and get yourself into deep deep debt. Soon before you know you are borrowing money, desperate to work harder to get that little bit more, getting further and further into trouble... Before long you have a nation packed to the rafters with people who can't afford to pay back the money they owe which the banks call bad debt. Then you get the collapse of a nations economy.... thank god no country would ever be this stupid to let this happen! Dear me, how we would panic if we ever heard the word recession. They want you to think that if the banks collapse the world would end... like Dr Malcolm says life will find a way, we will survive. I am an athmoneist... I do not believe it exists... we have based our society on three things that require faith and cannot be proved or disproved - God, Time and Money and I find the first two far more plausible than the last. For all those people who tell me religion has caused more wars than anything else... you can shut the fuck up if you think the currency you hold so dear has no blood on its notes.

But while we all believe that money is real you are left being free to do what they tell you... There are hooks marketed towards us to encourage us to spend spend spend. You need this car, this house and this mattress fit for an astronaut. Bill Hicks said it... "if you're are in Marketing... kill yourself"

Bitter? I think so!

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Ps: I don't love you...

Before I begin my rant may I just say that I have never, nor do intend to, watched this trite debacle of a film.
I have merely just read a surmmary of the film after being told 'it's the greatest film ever made' by one particular moron. Wow this must surpass even Star Wars and Fight Club I thought... I must watch this film, but before I did... solely so I wasn't too overawed I decided to check out the story...

Summary... Piece of Shit!

Does it not seem like the most selfish film idea ever? A man who sends 10 letters after his death to 'help' his ex-wife move on... yes cause nothing helps you forget about someone like a constant reminder of the love you had. If it was a real man he might as well have just written  "ps I your cooking sucked and remember that fart smell... on the tube on 21/01/09... yep that was me and not the old guy I pinpointed" through to "you better not be seeing anyone else yet cause if you are I will come back and haunt you and your mum... I never liked her but she made a move on me when you were in Thailand"... why not, I mean if you want to help someone move on you might as well make them think you're an asshole.

No man could ever have written this film! First you must imagine that if 'man-flu' can bring our worlds to a stand still then I have a feeling that a terminal illness might just prevent him from writing ten deeply emotional letters than taking the time to arrange the delivery over the course of time.Secondly it raises a very interesting question of how much unfair pressure does society put on women?

Rightly so women and men can both do anything they want with their lives but, read a copy of Stylist magazines' successful woman biography each month then you will soon see that you can only be a successful woman if you get up at the crack of dawn, run a multinational conglomerate and your husband who can barely remember your face is busy having an affair with his secretary. More so is the fact that they are told the perfect body (which is in fact a stick insect with a photoshopped head on it) is the only way to get the man of your dreams. Please will some of this models eat a cake and someone ask us what we really want to see cause I guarentee we all want something different...

Last but by no means least, films like this travesty remind women of the 'perfect man'. Women get far too much giref in this society and bi-proxy so do men. Quite simply he does not exist. One ex-girlfriend said to me that the man she was looking for was Intelligent, funny, creative, witty, artistic and always fun while at the same time he must be Mr 9-5, maybe an accountant, lawyer or something stable... This guy sounds amazing, hell even I'd date him!! Films like this set the benchmark far too high and leave women constantly dissappointed.

I can guarentee that most men are far more Gerard Houllier than Gerard Butler.

Friday, 5 November 2010

Curious Questions... #1 - Pitball Terrors

The Pitbull Terrier - possibly the most feared dog on the planet and usually found on the end of a leash held by an equally detested member of society who would not look out of place in a Shane Meadows movie.

I was talking to a colleague of mine who at one time was savaged on her leg by one of these miniture cerberuses. The thing that makes the attacks so frightful is that they have a tendancy to lock their jaws and shake violently until said appendage they have grasped comes off...

Now there is a rumour going round of what to do in such an occurance and after informing my colleage she concurred she had heard the same... apparently to force these little monsters to unclasp their jaw and release their vice like grip you must simply insert your finger into the animals rectum...
What fucking idiot tried this? Who was the first person who thought - hang on, I've got an idea! They must be in the same league as the first person who decided to piss on someone who had just suffered a jellyfish sting! Why would you do this?! Where is the logic while being shaken violently and the impending doom of bleeding to death? Instead of gauging the eyes or trying to prise open the jaws they anally intruded the dog with their finger... I would like to see someone try the same with a great white shark mid attack or even a patricularly angry boss.

The other question is does this actually work? Is it in fact an ellaborate practical joke to make this experience that little bit worse as the victim also has faeces on their index finger? I want to know quite simply has anyone tried this or is it just someone trying to take the piss/shit?

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Hasta la Victoria Siempre TFL

As I approached the entrance to Northfields Tube Station yesterday snarling like an aggrieved Jack Russel who had just had his bone stolen from him I never expected that three minutes later my entire world would change. The tube strike was yet again bringing the commuting world to a halt in an even more biblical fashion than the Red Sea and unfortunalty there was no Moses to be found.

The list of stations closed by the strike spanned two pages of the LCD screen and I frantically scanned the monitor to see if there was any chance of getting to work on time. Then it hit me. I started to laugh! I made a few jokes with the TFL worker. It's as if I heard the prophet Bill Hicks "It's just a ride" speech booming over the tannoys. I am an actor, a writer and wannabee philanthropist. In this moment I had what an alcoholic would declare a moment of clarity. In what way is being late for work (that means nothing) a bad thing? I have been grumbling about life for far too long and hateful of the 'TFL mafia" when all along they were trying to save us.

If the truth be told I couldn't see a hell of a lot of difference between the strikes and 'normal service' as my pilgrimage to work seemed to drag on forever. However one thing was different. I enjoyed my journey. A good friend once said to me...

"You can only deny who you are and pretend to be someone else for so long"

Do you think when God, or Stephen Hawkings depending on your belief structure, created us they imagined a world where we would sit in misery in offices around the world working for a white picket fence? This country, this world needs a revolution but before that can start I need to grow a really good beard. When was he last time you saw a clean shaven revolutionary?

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)