Monday, 19 December 2011

Breaking News: France Hates Britain

The media panicked a little when Silvio Berlusconi finally stepped down... "who will fill his clown sized shoes?!" they cried... Step forward Nicolas Sarkozy... In a week which saw Cameron tell the Sarkozy-Merkel coalition to stick it people finally started asking two important questions... "Did Cameron really do what he said he was going to do?!" and "I've got a hunch the French don't really like us, is this true?"

Of course... before I continue I would like to state that not everyone in France hates Britain... I'm pretty sure there are some Anglophiles among them and vice-versa with Francophiles living among us and in fact I have some very close French friends... but it really seems as though Monsieur Sarkozy has taken a dislike to our Premiere.

This turn of events that saw Cameron likened to a petulant child and Merkel seemingly begin to re-think her allegiance with a man destined to court controversy by declaring Britain was still an important member of the EU. Sure Cameron may have put a spanner in the works, but the German government has a history of thinking before acting in recent times, and while they may in secret be fuming, they have refused to be drawn into the slagging match that has ensued with the French government. In fact, if reports are true, Merkel called Cameron days later to discuss strategies. 

But what I don't get is the sudden sense of shock that washed across the British public and media at the fact that maybe, just maybe Sarkozy doesn't like us... that our impeccable  friendship over the years has suddenly been tarnished, that our greatest ally has suddenly declared a war of words on us. Oh and on a sub-note why do the BBC feel it so necessary to pronounce his name with such a forced French accent, especially when the name originates from Hungary.

In fact I can only think of one time in since 1066 that we've actually had a purple patch.  It seems that Guy Mollet, the French Prime minister during 1956 was a rather big Anglophile. France was experiencing hard times with Nasser privatising the Suez Canal and supporting the rebels in Algeria. After secret files were made available it seems, impressed by Britain's help during the World War and the combined effort to re-take the Suez, Mollet suggested the unthinkable and Sarkozy's worst nightmare - a union between Great Britain and France. Anthony Eden laughed this idea off, but the later suggestion of joining the Commonwealth where the Queen would be come the head of state was seriously entertained by both parties... but obviously it never went through and France ended up joining the EEC with Germany a year later while Eden refused to do anything but watch... a decision which still has repercussions to this day. 

Apart from this it seems we have never seen eye to eye with our cross channel neighbours - Cross English Channel may I say ;) ... So President Sarkozy doesn't like us (a man caught on tape calling the Israeli number 1 a liar)... The French finance minister said people would rather be French than English in a business sense at the moment and the French Prime Minister - Francois Fillon, while on a trip to Brasil, effectively said... France... why should we be downgraded?! Look at Britain... they are really poor... apparently he was misquoted.... but at the end of all this... I have to say this is nothing compared to history.

It is rare neighbours get on well in a country sense. There is usually a sense of bitterness... and the last 1000 years have been no different for Britain and France. We have done nothing but argue and fight... so why the fuck people are so shocked now is beyond me. They invaded us in 1066... then later we invaded them. Agincourt, Waterloo, Napoleon Vs Wellington, The Hundred Years War, The Seven Years war and when the American's finally declared their independence they only went and gave them a fucking statue. An iconic statue that stands on the gateway to New York that stands as a permanent reminder as to just how much the French didn't like what we stood for. There have been plenty more squabbles and wars, but they don't get on with us on the battlefield and they tend not to think the same way on Monarchy, Politics, Food and about everything that Britain has an opinion on... in short... we have not a lot in common, in fact it seems that in a cultural and political sense we are each others antithesis...

It seems that, as Hitler once tried to copy the 'achievements' of Napoleon, Sarkozy wants to emulate the controversy of Chirac. Ahhhh Jacque Chirac... a man who asked Tony Blair what Leo would think of Britain invading Iraq, a man who said you can't trust the Brits cause they cook badly, and slagged our beef off! Chirac had about as much time for Blair as Sarkozy has for Cameron, but in my opinion Sarkozy has a lot to learn ... Chirac was by far the better agitator... 

I think that we can draw two hopes from this blog... number one... that the maxim involving people - throwing stones - and glass houses is soon taken on... and that number two... that if Mr Sarkozy is replaced by the leader of the opposition - Francois Hollande, a man who wants to re-negotiate the treaty Sarkozy so wants to sign- that our two nations can start to find a few things in common and get along a bit better to work towards a better future. I just hope no-one mentions our cooking or their agricultural subsidies.

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on the link above and follow me on Twitter)

Friday, 16 December 2011

Britain - The Unfunny Lonely Island

Last week, in a move described by the omnipotent Boris Johnson as 'a blinder', David Cameron shocked the continent by walking away without signing the treaty aimed at saving the Euro. It was a turn of events that encouraged the ever tactful French Premiere to brand Cameron 'an obstinate kid', Nick Clegg, the man with the second most impressive job title in Parliament (I was going to say second most powerful job.... but that's just not true), fears Britain is in danger of being isolated and Boris Johnson got air time for something other than hiring bikes and tube strikes...

Before I begin it was nice to see Nick Clegg avoiding taking the Phil Neal approach to politics (that cultural snippet for those who don't know is a reference to the man described by some as turnip head and being declared Graham Taylor's, the England Managers, Yes Man). It was a moment that we waited for, the moment he found some balls and stopped being a Tory in disguise...  I mean it's over now and that's probably the last of it but was it worth the wait... core golly... NO...

Why the fuck was everyone so surprised? Cameron had been going on about 'if it's not in the interest of the city of London I won't sign it'... blah blah blah... we all knew it was coming, but we didn't think he had the balls to do it... and then pow.. the 'blinder' was played...

Well I mean it may be the end of Europe and the Euro but who gives a shit? Well me... and a lot of other people... Britain is the new unfunny lonely island, not to be confused with the comedic genius that is the troupe starring Andy Samberg that produced songs like 'Mother Lover' and 'I Just had Sex'.... So we are isolated, lonely and fucked.. that out of 27 nations only one disagreed.. apart from the Czech Republic, 25 left... oh wait Sweden says its not sure.. 24 .. and now Ireland?... Denmark?... In a stunning twist of events it turns out Britain didn't get what it wanted and walked away and 26 other people said yes... in theory... I would like to save the Euro... but not by fucking ourselves over..

It was nice to see that the Germans were confident of the plan not failing and proved that by apparently starting to reprint new Deutschmarks 'just in case'... and we left a party that didn't really want us there anyway... So the fallout... well most of Europe looks like it's going to get a credit downgrade which prompted the Banque de France governor Christian Noyer to say don't look at us... check out Britain... they're even more shit (roughly paraphrased) and the Euro is closer to being viewed like communism - a failed experiment. 

Now we have gone back in to try and propose a new deal to help save the Euro after talking with our new BFFs (Sweden, Czech Rep and Denmark), but really is it any of our business? We have a vested interest... but after rejecting to offer more money to the bailout fund I think we have made our position very clear... It's true that to eat the food you have to sit at the table .. but perhaps we should start looking for other dinner parties to attend who actually want us there... 

So how will it turn out? Fuck knows.. only time will tell... maybe Boris will be proven right or instead the actions, blinded by euro-skepticism, will send Britain into a worse position than before... maybe the Euro will collapse, maybe the EU will fail, maybe it wont and Britain has isolated itself and will be stopped from making any key decisions.. but for now we will just have to wait... and for the minute I think I'd prefer to watch a bit more Andy Samberg than 'oh shock... a politician did what he said for once'  

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on the link above and follow me on Twitter)

Saturday, 3 December 2011

My Tram Experience

We all saw it... the YouTube upload by a guy/girl who secretly recorded some foul mouth racist bitches rant towards minorities in Britain... how she feels that 'Great' Britain should, as Chris Morris once suggested, have the great removed from it's name...

I watched that video and three things hit me.. number 1 - that poor fucking kid! Please will someone come in and take him away before he too sits on a tube and makes a similar rant (and how he better hope he too has a child in the form of a human shied)

The second point I thought was why the fuck didn't someone smack her! Everyone seemingly wanted to, the woman at the start who 'came to do her job cause she didn't want to' (probably not far from the truth), the second 'English' woman and the guy behind looked a little more than peeved. The only thing from this that can be taken as a positive was the powerful embrace behind the pin-up girl for Combat 18 which sees an inter-racial couple hug.

The third point is where the fuck did her opinions come from? This woman could barely fucking string a sentence together. Her lack of geographical knowledge would have made Jade Goody look well-traveled. The foul mouth bitch told the woman to fuck off back to 'Ni$$er-Africa" and I was left thinking was she just trying to be racist or so fucking thick that she couldn't think of a country, aimed for Nigeria and gave up... Unfortunately I think it is the former. I made a joke the other day that Dostoevsky once said "The level of society can be judged on it's racist pricks on a tram" (He sort of said that). But this is far more serious... 

People have asked me... was she drunk, on drugs? Who gives a shit!... it was obviously on her mind anyway.  But why? 

If people, including the government keep highlighting immigration as the main cause of the financial and economic worries that this country are facing then people will react. When you made public sector and benefit cuts... the people reacted in the form of riots.. when you tell them their very lives and ways of living are threatened by people coming to this country then you start to see a reaction. 

When I saw that video, I was ashamed. I was ashamed even though I have no similar feelings. But if you tell people something then they will start to believe it and I fear many more will start to believe this shit if they keep being told this... I would usually post the link to the video but I am too appalled to put this on my site. If you really want to see this bile then visit Youtube and type in My Tram Experience but before you watch this foul bile please know that not everyone feels this way... 

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on the link above and follow me on Twitter)

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

As Free as an Elephant Tethered With Rope

In certain parts of the world people keep elephants as working animals, either for moving trees or appeasing tourists. This is no more prevalent than in India. In some parts though they have developed a technique for keeping their elephants 'loyal'.

At night the Elephant is tethered to a small stick shoved in the ground by a thin rope. This majestic creature that could quite easily pull a tree down our crush a house does not try to move or run away. The problem is not physical but psychological - quite obviously even a squirrel could get away from this.

The problem (or solution depending on which angle you come from) lies in the elephants infancy - As a young calf it's tied to a concrete post or wall by a thick metal chain. The more the elephant struggles, the tighter the chain gets, cutting and digging into the baby calf's flesh. The more it pulls, the more it hurts. Eventually the calf stops struggling and accepts its fate. It stops trying to get away, to run, to be free. When the elephant becomes an adult - and remember an elephant never forgets - draws back to this intense pain and a simple rope will keep it in place.

When we are young we think we can achieve anything but life ties a metal chain around us and trains our mind to accept what we see... When we are finally old and strong enough to 'pull down trees' we stop fighting, we accept the chains are real and no longer struggle but none of it is real. Like Bill Hicks say's 'Life is Just a Ride' but if you truly believe there is a chain you will never be free...

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)

Monday, 21 November 2011

Sepp Blatter - AKA Teflon Man

In an un-startling revelation this week it seems a young man by the name of Sepp Blatter upset someone with his casual comments. This week he thought "I know, lets throw my weight into racism in football". No one in football has attracted such controversy since some guy made a sexist remark that women in football should  "wear tighter shorts and low cut shirts... to create a more female aesthetic" to attract more male fans (that guy was Blatter), or that idiot said  "I would say they [gay fans] should refrain from any sexual activities" regarding the illegality of homosexuality in the World Cup Finals country of Qatar... This idiot was also Mr Blatter...

I'm not going to go on referencing the words of the Swiss Sensation but his Wikepedia page reads like a fucking comedic sensation! But the question remains... why the fuck is he still in charge of FIFA? It seems that the media reaction in England was stronger in comparison to many of our European counterparts but still even Gary 'Not sure which Manchester club I work for" Cook had enough sense, or pressure to quit after his alleged gaff in which he made fun of a woman died of cancer.

But still Mr Blatter marches on and it leads me to make the conclusion that he is in fact made of Teflon. NOTHING STICKS TO HIM!!! A week on and it's almost forgotten. Only one other man in my mind had this much survival technique ... Mr Silvio Berlusconi! It seems the the maxim about the only thing to survive a nuclear war would be cockroaches should be edited and now read "The only thing to survive a nuclear war would be cockroaches, Paul McCartney and Berle and Blatts careers"

Finally in a week where the Italian Stallion himself stands down we can only hope that Blatter follows suit and walks away... but fat fucking chance... Blatter will be there to the end making more casual controversies than the Duke of Edinburgh... 

Is it co-incidence that they both have a vested interest in football, the both have the same initials (Yeah I know Blatters is a G but he prefers the youthful name Sepp) and they were both born in 1936? (a very popular year for racism in Europe) Yes it's a coincidence but please keep copying each other and Blatter go have a bunga-bunga party somewhere no-one knows about or just please please please retire... 

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Britain... Europe Divides us all

Let me set the scene... It's a classy restaurant in West London, the lights are dim and a British couple prepare for the arrival of a luxurious meal when suddenly a taste abomination arrives - it is cooked OK, maybe a little cool but the taste is repulsive, it may be a little crusty as well... the waiter arrives:

                Waiter: Excuse me sir, madam, is everything is alright with your meal?

                Man: Oh (he coughs and looks around nervously) Everything is fine, thank you.

Now what happens is the British couple finish the food and head for the exit thanking the staff once again as they leave with forced smiles... only as soon as they exit to complain at great lengths and make a vow never to return... the irony of this cliche is they might have just had a bad example, that given the chance the restaurant could have made amends and shown the couple what they really could have gained from their dining experience.

Now lets turn the cliche into a crude metaphor where the restaurant becomes Europe and the couple become Britain. We have not complained for long enough or bothered to get involved in the politics strongly enough to make a difference... in short we trade with Europe, have an opinion and sit firmly on the fence... and the result: Germany and France get stronger... and Britain loses any chance of a seat at the table... When Tony Blair went for the first European Presidents position did the backing of Germany and France for a more neutral candidate not thwart his efforts? 

Now we sit there and makes comments and suggestions as to how to run the Eurozone. We are not involved and have no right to comment (mind you it's not the first time we have interfered in someone else's affairs). Yes we can comment on the IMF, Europe, the EU but not the Eurozone... and what was the response... Sarkozy tells Cameron to shut up. He is apparently sick of his interference and as far as I can tell he has a point... 

So our premier is challenged... and how do we back him... well his own party decide to stage what in all essence looks like a vote of no confidence... 83 people demand a referendum that will never happen... Britain sits there weakened as she enters for new rounds of who's going to bail out who... 

The issue is Europe is changing and we are growing distant... Germany and France a few days ago sparked after demanding Italy reduce it's debt the Italians demanded an emergency session where nothing was decided... and how did the British Media react.. by saying Berlusconi 'actually' attended... but what will Italy do? While Italy's debt accounts for 120% of their GDP they have no choice... they cannot pull out of Europe - it will cripple them as it would Britain. They will accept any demands the EU makes in the end... 

Herman Van Rompuy (the EU President if you've never heard of him) has declared there will be an "Economic Government" to control the finances of the members of the Eurozone... and while some people are declaring the rise of the German Fourth Reich (Reich refers to a great age and this time is through finance over bombs or swords) that will dominate the economies of Europe my only question I have is if we ceased putting as much money into the development of other countries and bailing out others would Britain still be seen as such an important member... The way we go on about how we deserve to be at the top table feels painfully close to our delusions of Grandeur in Football (Germany, Italy and France have all won far more major titles both Continentally and Internationally) but hey we do have the latest golden generation since the last tournament.

And what are Britain's options? Not a lot - it's no coincidence we 'went into Europe' around the same time as  our Empire was being dismantled... the truth is we need the common market. So we should be getting more involved, and demanding more from the EU... looking at what options we can take that benefits Britain as Cameron said when he declared Europe thinks we are pussy cats and not the proud lions we claim to be (A Richard the Lionheart reference who, although our king, ironically did not speak English and hated Britain)... instead we sit there and rather than tackle the issue head on, we complain and moan at home about the raw deal we are getting and get to listen to crude metaphors of cats from Politicians.

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Credit Crunch: A Recession Inducing Buzz Word

Fact: A recession happened...

But what the hell seemed to go off... well in lamens terms it seems that someone said there was such an amount of money in the world... and they lied...

But where did it start...

I would suggest that the person who invented the term credit crunch touched on a source of pure power... A credit crunch quite simply became a self-fulfilling prophecy... so thanks for that...

I remember hearing people saying... oh no I can't buy that - there's a credit crunch... I was stood behind some people at a cash point who said "I'm only taking out a tenner - credit crunch mate!" And what a snazzy term it is, sort of roles of the tongue... the alliteration really setting it off.... it's almost like it's designed to get in our heads and without us even question, make us fear it....

People who had no debt, no mortgage and no loans heard the term credit crunch and how they did tremble... so what happened... everybody whether they had debts or not stopped spending... they reined in the money like there was no tomorrow. Well the businesses started losing money and sooner or later cuts had to be made and people started having to go... People stopped being able to pay money to the banks, and well the little old banks who had given so much bad debt out in the first place to people who couldn't afford it started to panic and before long people and banks and businesses were fucked cause everybody panicked and everybody wanted to keep their little bit of gold... cause if they didn't there would be no tomorrow...

Well let me break a little news - ... if the financial structure of the world collapse tonight ... we would still wake up tomorrow... the world would not end, it would just be a little different. The US government has a plan in place in the event of a Nuclear war to allow it to still collect taxes... but if there was no money, no finances and no debt there could be no taxes....

Now  this is all a very simple version of the events... and it did not hit everywhere... we only have to look to Brazil... unlike us (Great Britain) who lowered our VAT rate... 17.5% to 15% and now it's back to... oh no wait it's 20% which is like 2.5% more than it was instead of less... I wonder when that will go back...

Well in Brazil they lowered the taxes on everything from cars to fridges and houses and the public went crazy... they spent their money and the economy kept turning and no-one panicked... The recession barely hit Brazil... The banks kept steady lending... the people bought things and jobs stayed as available as wasn't just Brazil but is there any correlation between this and the fact that the best google translate has to offer as a translation of Credit Crunch is Crise de Credito... (hardly as snazzy)- Probably not but maybe with a little education, support and some real enticing benefits we might not be quite as fucked.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Eating Foods High in Saturated Fats are Healthy According to Supermarket

On one of my trips to Ireland I found myself, as happens roughly three times a day on average, being a little hungry...

I have always just grabbed what I fancied, but I was feeling a little under the weather so I decided to buy something that was good for me.. I was starving... I needed something.... I went to the nearest supermarket and made my way to the healthy living aisle... and there I saw my dream come true...

The Healthly Living section was crammed with Pies, rolls and Pastries... where had I been going wrong all these years? I mean fruit is such a waste of time it turns out... So i stocked up on as many pies and pastries as I could and didn't even wait till I left the store... and you know what .. I haven't looked back since... literally... I can't move... all these healthy foods have made me put on so much muscle...

Well the doctor says I need to cut down on all these healthy foods... but what does he know? He's not a shelf stacker... Super Markets are always right...

So after three coronary scares I just want to say thank you ... I mean without your healthy living food I might not have just cheated death... I might actually be dead...

(Please in all seriousness... sack the wanker that stacked these shelves)

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Pure Water is a Plenty in England

The other day I was a little parched... I needed some cool refreshing water... I decided to head to my local water source or office water tower as it's known... and you know what they say about the water cooler... it is indeed where you get fresh chilled water..

My thirst was about to be relieved... the water ebbing it's way towards my dry mouth... when my eyes cast down and noticed the picture on the water...

Clearly from the looks of that fish/creature thing this water is indeed the purist and cleaninst of water... in no way does that fish look distressed or even mutated... It was clear that this water was from the waters around Sellafield Nuclear Power plant.. cause nothing cleanses the water like Nuclear waste...

Well I drank from the cup and quenched my thirst safe in the knowledge that this was indeed the purist English Water money could buy...

The Doctor told me the next week that the seven extra fingers that have appeared on my shoulder are nothing to do with this water..

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Ridicolous Questions! Part 1

As I approached the counter at my local supermarket with no less than seven items the lady serving me the items candidly asked me if I required a bag...

It seems that this world is needlessly dominated by ridiculous questions... The kind of questions which make
you wonder if the person opposite you actually has some form of logical comprehension...

In what world would seven items not constitute the acquisition of a bag!? If I don't want one I always joke, "no I'm trying to save the world one bag at a time"

Todays guilty culprit was...Sainsbury's

What do they expect me to do? Juggle my items down the street back to my house? Do they expect me to strategically place my items one by one moving them up the road and then running back to gather another one of my items while risking theft or something rolling into the gutter...

So for the record... Yes, Sainsbury's I do require a bag...

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Los Angeles - City of Class ... and Angels #1

If and when I ever choose to have a tattoo I would definitely like to have mine done at a parlor called Prix... I particularly like how the have chosen to wave grammatical law and plow straight in with replacing the -cks with an X... it's almost as if Tupac (or 2Pac?) spoke from beyond the grave...

Now i'm pretty sure that pricks (or prix as the gangsters spell it these days) has the same double meaning in the States as it does over here in the UK... (if not, for the rest of us, it's a crude word for phallus or penis... possibly referring to being in an erect state...) so I would like to ask who in their right mind decided underneath the 'trendily' named Prix... they decided to adorn their neon sign with 'Parking in Rear'?

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Curious Questions... #2

What on Gods green earth happened here? How?! One minute you're sat in your jewelery store and serving customers and the next thing you know you are engaged in a deadly sex game... in fact what sex games that involve jewelery exist? I mean maybe I'm a bit of a traditionalist but what happened to sex being enjoyable? ...You engage in a deadly sex game, possibly involving beads and rings that are too tight.. (sorry) the next thing you know your tragic story is pasted all over the side of a biffa bin, not quite sensationalist enough for the actual paper, but thank goodness for bins... otherwise people would never have known

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

A Terrible Tale - Rape of the Rabbit Beast

I will tell you a tale not of ships and whales, but rather of stuffed rabbits and rape...

My housemate was one day sat in a pub alone gently sipping his cool pint when suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spied something... A beautiful creature was stood staring at him. He approached with caution but soon realised, this was no ordinary beast, but rather a stuffed concoction of several....

We shall call it ... THE RABBIT BEAST

He quickly fell in love with the stuffed Rabbit/Pheasant/Deer thing but to his horror discovered that dasterdly forces were at work... The owner of the establishment was planning to throw this beast out ... My housemate acted swiftly, cut a deal with the landlord and saved the creature... Bernard... as he was later known soon found pride of place on top of my housemates wardrobe... Oh how we didn't play with him or do anything but say... what the fuck is that thing? All the same we loved Bernard...

Then one day he caught a terrible moth infection... scared for the loss of our clothes we banished Bernard to the shed where he would spend the rest of his illness. Well one night we were sound asleep when we were awoken to the terrible shrieks and cries of pain and anger... we calmed ourselves, safe in the knowledge that it was the usual two foxes fighting...

The next morning it was clear that something horrendous had happened... We entered the back yard to find signs of a struggle... there was a trail of fluff and fur everywhere...

We ran to the shed to see if poor Bernard was there... but our fears were realised... he was gone... it was clear poor Bernard had been the victim of a heinous crime... a fox had viciously raped THE RABBIT BEAST and dragged him off into the night... we searched and after several seconds, possibly 30, and after we found him, left for dead in the ditch at the end of our garden... A huge bite had been taken out of the side of him, yet there was no blood (a symptom of being previously dead I believe)

All was clear, however one question remained...


Sunday, 24 April 2011

"Love Conquers The EU" Documentary

Love Conquers The EU is a new documentary due for release in Fall 2011.

It follows the stories of people who have met and fallen in love with people from outside the EU. We take a look at the stigmas and issues people face dating someone outside of their economic area. I would like to say a special thanks to Chris Fletcher for his contribution of the art work you see above.

Every year people meet from all over the world and fall in love. We are currently interested in peoples stories and how they overcame the issues they face such as visas, financial implications and even the stigmas that they felt targeted by from society and loved ones. (please send these to 

Please like the group on Facebook to keep up to date with progress:

Roy Woodhouse - Director, Writer, Narrator
Linderberg Munroe - Director of Photography, Score

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

The Greatest Worst Film Never Made

I have decided to embark on a plan. After spending several hours watching classic films "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" and it's even greater sequel where the Mega Shark returns to take on a prehistoric Crocosaurus, and being inspired by the people who break from the 9-5 I have decided to embark upon my own project!

I want to make a film so bad it's awesome. A monster movie of totally un-epic proportions. I am going to take this project as far as it can possibly go and see where it takes me. When watching the great vs films mentioned above and other classics such as "Sharktopus" people are often faced with the inevitable question - are you a deliberate comedy, or just plain crap. I see the former and cause it takes itself oh so seriously hits an new level of post-ironic post-modern post-comedy comedy.

While I maintain no delusions of grandeur to ever hit the dizzy heights of so many levels genius I instead find myself inclined towards the world of Pastiche and Parody. I will make a parody of the classics and reference these movies that have in my eyes replaced the straight to DVD collection that came from Van Damme and Seagal, with deliberately bad acting, special effects and a B-movie that is so bad, it should become a C-movie.

For the record I would like to clarify that I am deadly serious in the desire to create this piece of history (I replaced the word shit) and only death or a return to sanity will stop me.

Therefore I dedicate this blog to the creation of the greatest worst film never made -


The facebook page is now up and running so please 'like it' and spread the word of this abomination.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Pride of Britain!

I have said in the past that I want to talk about people who truly inspire me, people who try to break away from the prison of the 9 - 5. Coming from an Acting and Writing background you might imagine that the person I am going to talk about next is from one of those disciplines. It's true that I find the makers of independant films who risk everything for their dreams motivational and that I want to be the next sucessful author with the surname Woodhouse... although unlike the last one I will endeavour to spell my name correctly. I have also made no secret of my respect and admiration for the late 'Dark Little Poet' Bill Hicks, whom I'm pretty sure had he been alive now would have taken on the mantle of 'Dark Little Blogger'. Instead my inspiration comes from the people I work with in my realife job, my 9 - 5 job in a recruitment consultancy.

We seemingly live in a Britain where deadlines are a best case scenario and targets are an advisory guide. We talk about the "Great British Work Ethic" that founded this (once) great nation. The people I have drawn inspiration from are not my colleagues, but rather the candidates who walk through my door. Some from outside the EU are limited to 10 or 20 hours (how we expect people working 10 hours on minimum wage to survive or £59.30 per week in London is beyond me) while others come from the EU come here and take the jobs that those oh so great Brits don't want to take. I have had the pleasure of being friends with several people from South America who in their own country work as Lawyers and Doctors, yet come here and struggle on minimum wage while they improve their English so that they may return home to start a better life. I have seen so many talented graphic artists, photographers, web designers and accountants who come from all over the globe and work tirelessly and without complaint. They take on jobs cleaning toilets and waiting tables because they are hungry to suceed. They want to be here and they want to work so they get the opportunities they deserve.

If you want to find the Great British work Ethic then look no further than the people who immigrate here. As for me it inspires me to work towards my goals in life. In my real life I will strive to help the people I work with to get paid more and find better jobs, and as for the rest of my life, George Lucas, if you're listening, I would make an excellent toilet cleaner! 

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Know your Enemy!

Every day its the same old story... "The reason I work and pay my taxes is to fund the unemployed"

The unemployed are treated without about as much contempt as a sexual disease. Our 'Con-Demned' government is fighting back and reducing the amount of benefits these people receive. I admit there are probably people out there who don't want to work and do exploit the system... but if the system is there to be exploited - well that's another point.

However the majority of people either are out of luck or can't physically work. It is not a matter of not wanting to, they just can't. We see stories everyday of someone with 20 children claiming a million a year or an illegal immigrant living in Buckingham palace. We are led to loath these people and to fear that our hard earned money is being stolen. The media impress this view on us and the Government do nothing to dis-spell this opinion. In fact in some quarters you could actually argue they are encouraging it.

The truth is far from this. The country is far from being bled dry by the unemployed... instead £16 Billion remains unclaimed every year in means tested benefits:

I would genuinely love to know where this money goes to because I am guessing that over the last ten years we haven't got a magic pot that has accrued £160 billion that is being put aside for a rainy day. If my opinion is wrong and it is somewhere then please let me know and I will apologise. So why, if there is excess every year in this pot are the Government penalising the people who actually need help? It almost seems like the Government is trying to look pro-active in saving money.. here's an idea David, try saving some money by bringing our troops home from countries who don't want us there.

I am a lot less concerned by my taxes paying for people who genuinely need it, than my taxes going towards killing people who deserve to live. Maybe if we took the money we spent on killing and spent it on education and health care for the world I wouldn't feel like my tax was murdering our brothers and sisters and that we were actually building for a brighter future. Why for once not allocate that £16 billion for helping some of the people who sleep on our streets and trying to find them a bed at night. It's like we are being distracted by the unemployed 'issue' and forgetting about the bottomless pit of war.

So yes, I agree there are lazy people in the world. Hell, in a perfect world I don't want to work either, but next time you hear of someone who has to claim benefits and can't find a job, or a homeless person comes and asks for a little money why not try to help them, even just talk to them. Yes, they might go and spend it on a drink, but think what you might do on a Friday night with your pay packet. When someone comes to you and asks you for help and spare 20p why not give them the 'benefit' and give your soul a chance as they probably might just be genuinely out of luck.

Monday, 10 January 2011

Spider - The Porno

Having only just moved on from a drink called Pussy, I decided to distract myself with a search for the worlds deadliest critters. It was only a supposed to be a side errand before renewing my search for people who follow their dreams... it was at this moment that I discovered The Brazilian Wandering Spider!

(may I say as a disclaimer that I did not actually discover it unless nowadays modern day explorers just google things that other people already know about, however I feel that some rather unlucky sod may have discovered them a while before me)

The Brazilian Wandering Spider is the most poisonous spider on the planet and even more deadly due to its tendencies to wander around on the floors at nights and roam into peoples homes...

The usual symptoms of paralysis which is preceeded by intense pain that leads on to the eventual asphyxiation (or death by lack of oxygen as its better known) yes yes yes I hear you say... thats very standard... ahhh but there is more... In men sometimes it can cause Priapism! (or between you and me and massive painful erection that last for hours and eventually leads to impotence)

How sexy is Brazil?! Even the spider bites get you in the mood... sure you're going to die and even if you don't your penis will never work again... but for those few hours...! From the country that brought you Samba...

I think this all leads on to a slice of filmic gold... imagine the scene... the man is out chopping wood, the woman at home walking around the house in lingerie, cause obviously that's how real life is. Suddenly the man runs in "Baby... I've been bitten, I've only got a few hours to live" The woman looks shocked... "But something happened" (The reveal)... "Lets not waste it" - It is then that the synth music kicks in with a healthy dose of wa-wa pedal and the 'romance' begins.

Further ideas...Maybe halfway through the paralysis could set in which provides a story based reason for changing positions to the 'lady' being on top. Why not on top of that allow a man dressed as the spider to come in 'get involved as well - genious. I have been called visionary but I believe this is golden. As for the sequel why not have a radioactive spider biting the man and he gaining 'super powers'.

So Mr Raimi, if you're listening and you're bored, if you fancy directing this possible trilogy let me know. I'm all ears.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

A Curious Find

Until the other day I had never realised how empty my life was... I was incomplete, just a wandering lost soul roaming the planet without meaning. That was until I discovered...

Pussy! I never knew what I was missing! Before I knew it existed I never thought about it but now its all I can think about. I spend my entire day just thinking of Pussy. Some people would say it was a curse, that if I had never discovered it I would be thinking of 'more important things', but fuck them, what do they know?! They've obviously never tried Pussy. In fact I love the taste of this fantastic energy drink so much its the reason I get up in the morning and it keeps me awake and active late into the night. Whoever thought of putting Pussy in a can deserves a hand shake from me.

Today I had some Pussy at work, on the Tube and even grabbed myself some Pussy on the walk home. In fact it inspired me to try and invent a new kind of magnet that attracts aluminium cans and when I succeed I'm going to name my creation after the very product that inspired it. Clearly though, Pussy isn't new! I was watching some Bill Hicks the other night when I noticed his Pussy speech... Don't worry Bill, from what I hear most people are addicted to it too.

And the best thing about it is that every can seems to taste different! So go out and grab yourself some Pussy as quickly as you can! I promise you won't regret it and the next time I see you on the train and you look tired I'm going to ask ... hey buddy, when's the last time you had some Pussy?

Sunday, 2 January 2011

New Year, New Plan!

As the hangovers fade and the debris from the streets get cleared, the people decide the set of promises that will be broken within the month. People will spend thousands on gym memberships that will be visited once or twice before the pass is resigned to the dusty drawer and the direct debit will keep on ticking over.

Others will promise to enjoy life more, yet never even contemplate following the dreams that shaped their childhoods.

This is not for me! I grew up always wanting to work as an actor and a writer. I have always wanted to appear in a zombie movie and live in Brazil. These are known as dreams. They have shaped my life and have led me to where I am now, so where did it all go wrong? Instead of on a film set I find myself paying bills with a sales job -professionally pissing people off for money.

So I set you a challenge this year if you are reading this... Follow a dream you had as a child!

If you wanted to be an artist - paint a picture... you don't have to cut off your ear or quit your daily grind. If you wanted to be a racing driver have a track day at a racing circuit. Remember the child you were and take inspiration from people like Wayne Dudley, 22, who wrote, directed and filmed a production which includes an actor out of 24 on a budget of £230 pounds:

The truth is that everyday I look in the mirror I forget a little bit more of what I wanted ... so its time to stop. This blog is now less a rant and more a statement of intent - it will follow my quest to stop taking life too seriously and realise my dreams...

And Brad Pitt, if you're reading this and your childhood dream was to work in a office and make phone calls to people who don't want to pick up, then please give me a shout cause I might just be up for a swap!