Monday, 19 December 2011

Breaking News: France Hates Britain

The media panicked a little when Silvio Berlusconi finally stepped down... "who will fill his clown sized shoes?!" they cried... Step forward Nicolas Sarkozy... In a week which saw Cameron tell the Sarkozy-Merkel coalition to stick it people finally started asking two important questions... "Did Cameron really do what he said he was going to do?!" and "I've got a hunch the French don't really like us, is this true?"

Of course... before I continue I would like to state that not everyone in France hates Britain... I'm pretty sure there are some Anglophiles among them and vice-versa with Francophiles living among us and in fact I have some very close French friends... but it really seems as though Monsieur Sarkozy has taken a dislike to our Premiere.

This turn of events that saw Cameron likened to a petulant child and Merkel seemingly begin to re-think her allegiance with a man destined to court controversy by declaring Britain was still an important member of the EU. Sure Cameron may have put a spanner in the works, but the German government has a history of thinking before acting in recent times, and while they may in secret be fuming, they have refused to be drawn into the slagging match that has ensued with the French government. In fact, if reports are true, Merkel called Cameron days later to discuss strategies. 

But what I don't get is the sudden sense of shock that washed across the British public and media at the fact that maybe, just maybe Sarkozy doesn't like us... that our impeccable  friendship over the years has suddenly been tarnished, that our greatest ally has suddenly declared a war of words on us. Oh and on a sub-note why do the BBC feel it so necessary to pronounce his name with such a forced French accent, especially when the name originates from Hungary.

In fact I can only think of one time in since 1066 that we've actually had a purple patch.  It seems that Guy Mollet, the French Prime minister during 1956 was a rather big Anglophile. France was experiencing hard times with Nasser privatising the Suez Canal and supporting the rebels in Algeria. After secret files were made available it seems, impressed by Britain's help during the World War and the combined effort to re-take the Suez, Mollet suggested the unthinkable and Sarkozy's worst nightmare - a union between Great Britain and France. Anthony Eden laughed this idea off, but the later suggestion of joining the Commonwealth where the Queen would be come the head of state was seriously entertained by both parties... but obviously it never went through and France ended up joining the EEC with Germany a year later while Eden refused to do anything but watch... a decision which still has repercussions to this day. 

Apart from this it seems we have never seen eye to eye with our cross channel neighbours - Cross English Channel may I say ;) ... So President Sarkozy doesn't like us (a man caught on tape calling the Israeli number 1 a liar)... The French finance minister said people would rather be French than English in a business sense at the moment and the French Prime Minister - Francois Fillon, while on a trip to Brasil, effectively said... France... why should we be downgraded?! Look at Britain... they are really poor... apparently he was misquoted.... but at the end of all this... I have to say this is nothing compared to history.

It is rare neighbours get on well in a country sense. There is usually a sense of bitterness... and the last 1000 years have been no different for Britain and France. We have done nothing but argue and fight... so why the fuck people are so shocked now is beyond me. They invaded us in 1066... then later we invaded them. Agincourt, Waterloo, Napoleon Vs Wellington, The Hundred Years War, The Seven Years war and when the American's finally declared their independence they only went and gave them a fucking statue. An iconic statue that stands on the gateway to New York that stands as a permanent reminder as to just how much the French didn't like what we stood for. There have been plenty more squabbles and wars, but they don't get on with us on the battlefield and they tend not to think the same way on Monarchy, Politics, Food and about everything that Britain has an opinion on... in short... we have not a lot in common, in fact it seems that in a cultural and political sense we are each others antithesis...

It seems that, as Hitler once tried to copy the 'achievements' of Napoleon, Sarkozy wants to emulate the controversy of Chirac. Ahhhh Jacque Chirac... a man who asked Tony Blair what Leo would think of Britain invading Iraq, a man who said you can't trust the Brits cause they cook badly, and slagged our beef off! Chirac had about as much time for Blair as Sarkozy has for Cameron, but in my opinion Sarkozy has a lot to learn ... Chirac was by far the better agitator... 

I think that we can draw two hopes from this blog... number one... that the maxim involving people - throwing stones - and glass houses is soon taken on... and that number two... that if Mr Sarkozy is replaced by the leader of the opposition - Francois Hollande, a man who wants to re-negotiate the treaty Sarkozy so wants to sign- that our two nations can start to find a few things in common and get along a bit better to work towards a better future. I just hope no-one mentions our cooking or their agricultural subsidies.

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on the link above and follow me on Twitter)

Friday, 16 December 2011

Britain - The Unfunny Lonely Island

Last week, in a move described by the omnipotent Boris Johnson as 'a blinder', David Cameron shocked the continent by walking away without signing the treaty aimed at saving the Euro. It was a turn of events that encouraged the ever tactful French Premiere to brand Cameron 'an obstinate kid', Nick Clegg, the man with the second most impressive job title in Parliament (I was going to say second most powerful job.... but that's just not true), fears Britain is in danger of being isolated and Boris Johnson got air time for something other than hiring bikes and tube strikes...

Before I begin it was nice to see Nick Clegg avoiding taking the Phil Neal approach to politics (that cultural snippet for those who don't know is a reference to the man described by some as turnip head and being declared Graham Taylor's, the England Managers, Yes Man). It was a moment that we waited for, the moment he found some balls and stopped being a Tory in disguise...  I mean it's over now and that's probably the last of it but was it worth the wait... core golly... NO...

Why the fuck was everyone so surprised? Cameron had been going on about 'if it's not in the interest of the city of London I won't sign it'... blah blah blah... we all knew it was coming, but we didn't think he had the balls to do it... and then pow.. the 'blinder' was played...

Well I mean it may be the end of Europe and the Euro but who gives a shit? Well me... and a lot of other people... Britain is the new unfunny lonely island, not to be confused with the comedic genius that is the troupe starring Andy Samberg that produced songs like 'Mother Lover' and 'I Just had Sex'.... So we are isolated, lonely and fucked.. that out of 27 nations only one disagreed.. apart from the Czech Republic, 25 left... oh wait Sweden says its not sure.. 24 .. and now Ireland?... Denmark?... In a stunning twist of events it turns out Britain didn't get what it wanted and walked away and 26 other people said yes... in theory... I would like to save the Euro... but not by fucking ourselves over..

It was nice to see that the Germans were confident of the plan not failing and proved that by apparently starting to reprint new Deutschmarks 'just in case'... and we left a party that didn't really want us there anyway... So the fallout... well most of Europe looks like it's going to get a credit downgrade which prompted the Banque de France governor Christian Noyer to say don't look at us... check out Britain... they're even more shit (roughly paraphrased) and the Euro is closer to being viewed like communism - a failed experiment. 

Now we have gone back in to try and propose a new deal to help save the Euro after talking with our new BFFs (Sweden, Czech Rep and Denmark), but really is it any of our business? We have a vested interest... but after rejecting to offer more money to the bailout fund I think we have made our position very clear... It's true that to eat the food you have to sit at the table .. but perhaps we should start looking for other dinner parties to attend who actually want us there... 

So how will it turn out? Fuck knows.. only time will tell... maybe Boris will be proven right or instead the actions, blinded by euro-skepticism, will send Britain into a worse position than before... maybe the Euro will collapse, maybe the EU will fail, maybe it wont and Britain has isolated itself and will be stopped from making any key decisions.. but for now we will just have to wait... and for the minute I think I'd prefer to watch a bit more Andy Samberg than 'oh shock... a politician did what he said for once'  

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on the link above and follow me on Twitter)

Saturday, 3 December 2011

My Tram Experience

We all saw it... the YouTube upload by a guy/girl who secretly recorded some foul mouth racist bitches rant towards minorities in Britain... how she feels that 'Great' Britain should, as Chris Morris once suggested, have the great removed from it's name...

I watched that video and three things hit me.. number 1 - that poor fucking kid! Please will someone come in and take him away before he too sits on a tube and makes a similar rant (and how he better hope he too has a child in the form of a human shied)

The second point I thought was why the fuck didn't someone smack her! Everyone seemingly wanted to, the woman at the start who 'came to do her job cause she didn't want to' (probably not far from the truth), the second 'English' woman and the guy behind looked a little more than peeved. The only thing from this that can be taken as a positive was the powerful embrace behind the pin-up girl for Combat 18 which sees an inter-racial couple hug.

The third point is where the fuck did her opinions come from? This woman could barely fucking string a sentence together. Her lack of geographical knowledge would have made Jade Goody look well-traveled. The foul mouth bitch told the woman to fuck off back to 'Ni$$er-Africa" and I was left thinking was she just trying to be racist or so fucking thick that she couldn't think of a country, aimed for Nigeria and gave up... Unfortunately I think it is the former. I made a joke the other day that Dostoevsky once said "The level of society can be judged on it's racist pricks on a tram" (He sort of said that). But this is far more serious... 

People have asked me... was she drunk, on drugs? Who gives a shit!... it was obviously on her mind anyway.  But why? 

If people, including the government keep highlighting immigration as the main cause of the financial and economic worries that this country are facing then people will react. When you made public sector and benefit cuts... the people reacted in the form of riots.. when you tell them their very lives and ways of living are threatened by people coming to this country then you start to see a reaction. 

When I saw that video, I was ashamed. I was ashamed even though I have no similar feelings. But if you tell people something then they will start to believe it and I fear many more will start to believe this shit if they keep being told this... I would usually post the link to the video but I am too appalled to put this on my site. If you really want to see this bile then visit Youtube and type in My Tram Experience but before you watch this foul bile please know that not everyone feels this way... 

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on the link above and follow me on Twitter)