Friday, 29 October 2010

Brazingland - The Experiment - Week 1

[Bruh- zing- lish]

- adjective 
1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of Brazingland or its inhabitants, institutions, etc.

- noun 
2.   the people of Brazingland collectively, esp. as distinguished from any other country that actually exists in the world.

Now Brazingland doesn’t exist... but if it did it would probably be the most Citizen Wombat friendly country in the world.

Often I am tagged with the term Brazinglish, that seemingly meaning I am the cultural bastard child of Brazil and England. This is in the sense that I am still relatively polite but I also like to smile for time to time.

The first thing to go from Brazingland would be the metro! When I scan the faces of the other inmates on the tube it seems apparent that not one person can quite comprehend how their life led to the point where they are sat in a tin can hurtling down a dark tunnel in cramped conditions that would aggrieve a sardine. Infinitely worse is the realisation that they are in fact they are careering down said tube before the clock has even ticked to 8am.

The most upsetting thing is that most of them are resigned to that fate that the next 40 years of their existence will be spent crushed up to some fat, sweaty business man with their nose firmly planted in someone’s armpit. I can at this point reveal that standing at 5'9" does tend to have its drawbacks in the fight for a hygienic tube journey.

Therefore, after careful deliberation I have come up with a plan. I will take a small group of people from London, invade the Isle of Wight and declare the island now part of ‘The Experiment’. With the 100 people from London (50 of each sex) now the only residents we will then set about following a Saramago-esque narrative and somehow detach the island from its base and sail it, using the power of sea turtles, towards the Brazilian coastline.  

After about two days (this is the only point I am not sure if accurate) we will arrive at our destination 5 miles off the coast of Sao Paolo. Sao Paolo has been chosen for several reasons, well one mainly; the amount of pollution there will be like a home from home for Londoners as the smog drifts towards ‘Experiment Isle’ or ‘Brazingland’. On a lesser note there is also the consideration that if any of the Londoners get too depressed we can always send them to sit on the Underground Rail Network in Sao Paolo to be reminded of the ‘good times’. The Isle of Wight also uses decommissioned tube trains as their rail network.

So all is left is to add 100 Brazilians (50 of each sex) and see what happens;

Day 1: Population (200)

The English seem to be in a confused mood. They spend several hours searching for a copy of ‘Metro’ to get their fill of depressing news. They finally give up realising that the lack of ‘Metro’ constitutes some bad news in itself and therefore they decide to moan about that. The Brazilians on the other hand are having a lovely time with the nice weather, right up until they head to the beach and discover only stones. 

Confused they frantically scour the coastline for sand but to no avail until tragedy strikes when one male, Ricardo 29, decides to wade out too far into the ocean to find the sand and is never seen again. The Brazilians give this up as a bad joke and turn their attentions to finding the English who are in turn searching for a way of getting underground to travel.

Day 2: (199)

The Brazilians make first contact, but after five minutes have decided that the English do not speak English because it is vastly different from ‘American’. They persevere and finally invite the English to have a party. The English rejoice only to find that a fiesta involves fun; smiles and not that much drinking. The horrified Anglos retreat and set up shop in a local pub where much against the stereotype that partake in drinking cold beer. However it soon gets out of hand and fights about football and women who aren’t present begin. We have this statement;

Daniele 25, SP – “I thought the English were meant to be polite and reserved, which they are right up until they touch alcohol. I watched two grown men fight and vomit on each other until they both passed out”

Day 3: (199)

The Brazilians decide to forget the antics of the night before and challenge the English to a game of football. The English are back in their comfort zone as they are comprehensively beaten 84 – 0. The English get drunk.

Day 4: (199)

There are now two distinct camps set up on opposite sides of the island. The English are miserable because of the good weather, lack of work and useless ‘overground’ transport. The Brazilians are miserable because they had to spend their last few days with miserable people and have decided to build their own camp. The rest of the day is a bit of a non-event apart from the English moaning about the noise of the parrots. The English get drunk.

Day 5: (199)

The weather and sunshine has taken its toll on the English and they are now fully ‘lobstered’. One Brazilian mistakes Barry and Polly for aliens and shoots them both dead. Another Brazilian, Casio, shoots the first Brazilian before he can kill anyone else. When interviewed by the newly founded Brazingland Metro, he simply said he just thought people were shooting each other.

Day 6: (196)

The Brazingland metro is crammed with terrible news of the previous day’s events and the English are elated due to the depressing news. The first signs of integration are occurring as the English show the Brazilians how good transport can be as they sit for hours on the old tube trains and travel between Ryde and Shanklin. 

However some cracks are beginning to appear and as one ignoramus Steve voices to the ‘Metro’ “I am getting fed up of them talking in Spanish all the time and having to speak loud and slow at them all the time”

Day 7: (196)

Week one is at an end but the English do what they do best as they invade and take over the Brazilian camp, who in turn think it’s a joke. The English begin to build a ‘better world’ and force them to learn English as it is ‘the business language of the world’. They also ban football and force everyone to adopt cricket as the national sport. Everyone starts reading ‘Metro’ and they all go about building an Underground so that they can commute around the Island. The two camps play each other at cricket and the Brazilians win comprehensively. The English get drunk. 

Written by @roywoodhouse
(please click on my name and follow me on Twitter)

1 comment:

  1. LOL, brilliant! Just loved it! At the end it turned out to be a strange mixture!