Friday, 24 January 2014

'Sleeping' on the tube!

Sometimes on the tube it's bloody hard to get a seat, particularly when it's peak time and overcrowded, so one must, in my humble opinion, always make the most of it when the opportunity of another's arse leaving the chair arises.

So today I was at Earl's Court when the chance came my way. A man left his seated position and disembarked the tube. I moved with all the grace of an elephant with no co-ordination as I sprung into action. I took the seat and placed myself next to a man who appeared to be fast asleep and instantly took my phone out of my pocket and read some irrelevant news about something I wasn't really interested in. I did this as to avoid making contact with the other competitors who I had beaten to the prize, in fact during the whole 'taking' process I look straight down at the floor because any contact of eyes can mean my 'British politeness' kicks in and I have to forgo my challenge.

Now the other problem is the envy of others, and being a man I am often expected to give my seat up before a female. This is a lasting effect of sexual discrimination that has carried over from previous generations. In my opinion able-bodied females and males are equal in their ability to stand and therefore should both be expected to stand - you see... I believe in equality.

Now I looked at this man to my right and saw his eye open at every station to check where he was. The cheeky bugger was fake sleeping to make as to avoid the awkward glances from others who wished to accuse him of seat stealing. So I decided to join him.

I placed my phone in my pocket and closed my eyes. It is the second time I have fake-slept on the tube. The first is when I actually ended up falling asleep after closing my eyes and then woke up two stations after mine and arrived at work 25 minutes late. This time I promised it would not happen again so I would keep mentally active.

As I was reciting the Portuguese I remembered something happened. A pregnant woman got on the tube two stations after I started to fake sleep. To my horror I realised I was sat in the disabled seat you must give up for someone who needed it. To be honest I would have, and have many times in the past, given up my seat even if I wasn't in the 'special' seat. This time however it was an obligation.

I pretended to wake up, looked around, noticed the woman and said 'ohhh'. It was so fake that even I was cringing. I offered my seat and then stood up. All the other people on the tube looking at me in disgust as I slinked to the corner to avoid the glances. It was only as I vacated my seat though that I noticed a girl, about 10 years my junior, looking at me with a wry smile of victory sat in the opposite 'obligation' seat. Why was everyone staring at me to move? why not her who was younger? Is it because I'm a man, or because I was fake sleeping? I am happy to stand for anyone who needs it, but come on...

The moral of the story... I will never ever ever fake sleep again.. till next time, cause I look like a dick when I wake up and look straight at the person who wants to sit... there will be no Oscar for my this time.

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