Ridicolous Questions! Part 1

As I approached the counter at my local supermarket with no less than seven items the lady serving me the items candidly asked me if I required a bag...

It seems that this world is needlessly dominated by ridiculous questions... The kind of questions which make
you wonder if the person opposite you actually has some form of logical comprehension...

In what world would seven items not constitute the acquisition of a bag!? If I don't want one I always joke, "no I'm trying to save the world one bag at a time"

Todays guilty culprit was...Sainsbury's

What do they expect me to do? Juggle my items down the street back to my house? Do they expect me to strategically place my items one by one moving them up the road and then running back to gather another one of my items while risking theft or something rolling into the gutter...

So for the record... Yes, Sainsbury's I do require a bag...

Los Angeles - City of Class ... and Angels #1

If and when I ever choose to have a tattoo I would definitely like to have mine done at a parlor called Prix... I particularly like how the have chosen to wave grammatical law and plow straight in with replacing the -cks with an X... it's almost as if Tupac (or 2Pac?) spoke from beyond the grave...

Now i'm pretty sure that pricks (or prix as the gangsters spell it these days) has the same double meaning in the States as it does over here in the UK... (if not, for the rest of us, it's a crude word for phallus or penis... possibly referring to being in an erect state...) so I would like to ask who in their right mind decided underneath the 'trendily' named Prix... they decided to adorn their neon sign with 'Parking in Rear'?

Curious Questions... #2

 

What on Gods green earth happened here? How?! One minute you're sat in your jewelery store and serving customers and the next thing you know you are engaged in a deadly sex game... in fact what sex games that involve jewelery exist? I mean maybe I'm a bit of a traditionalist but what happened to sex being enjoyable? ...You engage in a deadly sex game, possibly involving beads and rings that are too tight.. (sorry) the next thing you know your tragic story is pasted all over the side of a biffa bin, not quite sensationalist enough for the actual paper, but thank goodness for bins... otherwise people would never have known

A Terrible Tale - Rape of the Rabbit Beast

I will tell you a tale not of ships and whales, but rather of stuffed rabbits and rape...

My housemate was one day sat in a pub alone gently sipping his cool pint when suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spied something... A beautiful creature was stood staring at him. He approached with caution but soon realised, this was no ordinary beast, but rather a stuffed concoction of several....

We shall call it ... THE RABBIT BEAST

He quickly fell in love with the stuffed Rabbit/Pheasant/Deer thing but to his horror discovered that dasterdly forces were at work... The owner of the establishment was planning to throw this beast out ... My housemate acted swiftly, cut a deal with the landlord and saved the creature... Bernard... as he was later known soon found pride of place on top of my housemates wardrobe... Oh how we didn't play with him or do anything but say... what the fuck is that thing? All the same we loved Bernard...

Then one day he caught a terrible moth infection... scared for the loss of our clothes we banished Bernard to the shed where he would spend the rest of his illness. Well one night we were sound asleep when we were awoken to the terrible shrieks and cries of pain and anger... we calmed ourselves, safe in the knowledge that it was the usual two foxes fighting...

The next morning it was clear that something horrendous had happened... We entered the back yard to find signs of a struggle... there was a trail of fluff and fur everywhere...

We ran to the shed to see if poor Bernard was there... but our fears were realised... he was gone... it was clear poor Bernard had been the victim of a heinous crime... a fox had viciously raped THE RABBIT BEAST and dragged him off into the night... we searched and after several seconds, possibly 30, and after we found him, left for dead in the ditch at the end of our garden... A huge bite had been taken out of the side of him, yet there was no blood (a symptom of being previously dead I believe)

All was clear, however one question remained...

WHAT THE FUCK DID THE SICK BASTARD DO WITH BERNARDS HEAD?

"Love Conquers The EU" Documentary

Love Conquers The EU is a new documentary due for release in Fall 2011.

It follows the stories of people who have met and fallen in love with people from outside the EU. We take a look at the stigmas and issues people face dating someone outside of their economic area. I would like to say a special thanks to Chris Fletcher for his contribution of the art work you see above.

Every year people meet from all over the world and fall in love. We are currently interested in peoples stories and how they overcame the issues they face such as visas, financial implications and even the stigmas that they felt targeted by from society and loved ones. (please send these to citizenwombat@live.co.uk). 

Please like the group on Facebook to keep up to date with progress:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Love-Conquers-The-EU/150478898351761

Roy Woodhouse - Director, Writer, Narrator

Linderberg Munroe - Director of Photography, Score

The Greatest Worst Film Never Made

I have decided to embark on a plan. After spending several hours watching classic films "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" and it's even greater sequel where the Mega Shark returns to take on a prehistoric Crocosaurus, and being inspired by the people who break from the 9-5 I have decided to embark upon my own project!

I want to make a film so bad it's awesome. A monster movie of totally un-epic proportions. I am going to take this project as far as it can possibly go and see where it takes me. When watching the great vs films mentioned above and other classics such as "Sharktopus" people are often faced with the inevitable question - are you a deliberate comedy, or just plain crap. I see the former and cause it takes itself oh so seriously hits an new level of post-ironic post-modern post-comedy comedy.

While I maintain no delusions of grandeur to ever hit the dizzy heights of so many levels genius I instead find myself inclined towards the world of Pastiche and Parody. I will make a parody of the classics and reference these movies that have in my eyes replaced the straight to DVD collection that came from Van Damme and Seagal, with deliberately bad acting, special effects and a B-movie that is so bad, it should become a C-movie.

For the record I would like to clarify that I am deadly serious in the desire to create this piece of history (I replaced the word shit) and only death or a return to sanity will stop me.

Therefore I dedicate this blog to the creation of the greatest worst film never made -

ULTRA DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS AND THE MUTANT ZOMBIE ARMY

 VS. HOT NINJA CHICKS

The facebook page is now up and running so please 'like it' and spread the word of this abomination.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ultra-Duck-Billed-Platypus-and-the-Mutant-Zombie-Army-Vs-Hot-Ninja-Chicks/189072831130391?ref=ts

Pride of Britain!

I have said in the past that I want to talk about people who truly inspire me, people who try to break away from the prison of the 9 - 5. Coming from an Acting and Writing background you might imagine that the person I am going to talk about next is from one of those disciplines. It's true that I find the makers of independant films who risk everything for their dreams motivational and that I want to be the next sucessful author with the surname Woodhouse... although unlike the last one I will endeavour to spell my name correctly. I have also made no secret of my respect and admiration for the late 'Dark Little Poet' Bill Hicks, whom I'm pretty sure had he been alive now would have taken on the mantle of 'Dark Little Blogger'. Instead my inspiration comes from the people I work with in my realife job, my 9 - 5 job in a recruitment consultancy.

We seemingly live in a Britain where deadlines are a best case scenario and targets are an advisory guide. We talk about the "Great British Work Ethic" that founded this (once) great nation. The people I have drawn inspiration from are not my colleagues, but rather the candidates who walk through my door. Some from outside the EU are limited to 10 or 20 hours (how we expect people working 10 hours on minimum wage to survive or £59.30 per week in London is beyond me) while others come from the EU come here and take the jobs that those oh so great Brits don't want to take. I have had the pleasure of being friends with several people from South America who in their own country work as Lawyers and Doctors, yet come here and struggle on minimum wage while they improve their English so that they may return home to start a better life. I have seen so many talented graphic artists, photographers, web designers and accountants who come from all over the globe and work tirelessly and without complaint. They take on jobs cleaning toilets and waiting tables because they are hungry to suceed. They want to be here and they want to work so they get the opportunities they deserve.

If you want to find the Great British work Ethic then look no further than the people who immigrate here. As for me it inspires me to work towards my goals in life. In my real life I will strive to help the people I work with to get paid more and find better jobs, and as for the rest of my life, George Lucas, if you're listening, I would make an excellent toilet cleaner! 

Know your Enemy!

Every day its the same old story... "The reason I work and pay my taxes is to fund the unemployed"

The unemployed are treated without about as much contempt as a sexual disease. Our 'Con-Demned' government is fighting back and reducing the amount of benefits these people receive. I admit there are probably people out there who don't want to work and do exploit the system... but if the system is there to be exploited - well that's another point.

However the majority of people either are out of luck or can't physically work. It is not a matter of not wanting to, they just can't. We see stories everyday of someone with 20 children claiming a million a year or an illegal immigrant living in Buckingham palace. We are led to loath these people and to fear that our hard earned money is being stolen. The media impress this view on us and the Government do nothing to dis-spell this opinion. In fact in some quarters you could actually argue they are encouraging it.

The truth is far from this. The country is far from being bled dry by the unemployed... instead £16 Billion remains unclaimed every year in means tested benefits:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/7144127/16bn-worth-of-benefits-unclaimed-every-year.html

I would genuinely love to know where this money goes to because I am guessing that over the last ten years we haven't got a magic pot that has accrued £160 billion that is being put aside for a rainy day. If my opinion is wrong and it is somewhere then please let me know and I will apologise. So why, if there is excess every year in this pot are the Government penalising the people who actually need help? It almost seems like the Government is trying to look pro-active in saving money.. here's an idea David, try saving some money by bringing our troops home from countries who don't want us there.

I am a lot less concerned by my taxes paying for people who genuinely need it, than my taxes going towards killing people who deserve to live. Maybe if we took the money we spent on killing and spent it on education and health care for the world I wouldn't feel like my tax was murdering our brothers and sisters and that we were actually building for a brighter future. Why for once not allocate that £16 billion for helping some of the people who sleep on our streets and trying to find them a bed at night. It's like we are being distracted by the unemployed 'issue' and forgetting about the bottomless pit of war.

So yes, I agree there are lazy people in the world. Hell, in a perfect world I don't want to work either, but next time you hear of someone who has to claim benefits and can't find a job, or a homeless person comes and asks for a little money why not try to help them, even just talk to them. Yes, they might go and spend it on a drink, but think what you might do on a Friday night with your pay packet. When someone comes to you and asks you for help and spare 20p why not give them the 'benefit' and give your soul a chance as they probably might just be genuinely out of luck.

Spider - The Porno

Having only just moved on from a drink called Pussy, I decided to distract myself with a search for the worlds deadliest critters. It was only a supposed to be a side errand before renewing my search for people who follow their dreams... it was at this moment that I discovered The Brazilian Wandering Spider!

(may I say as a disclaimer that I did not actually discover it unless nowadays modern day explorers just google things that other people already know about, however I feel that some rather unlucky sod may have discovered them a while before me)

The Brazilian Wandering Spider is the most poisonous spider on the planet and even more deadly due to its tendencies to wander around on the floors at nights and roam into peoples homes...

The usual symptoms of paralysis which is preceeded by intense pain that leads on to the eventual asphyxiation (or death by lack of oxygen as its better known) yes yes yes I hear you say... thats very standard... ahhh but there is more... In men sometimes it can cause Priapism! (or between you and me and massive painful erection that last for hours and eventually leads to impotence)

How sexy is Brazil?! Even the spider bites get you in the mood... sure you're going to die and even if you don't your penis will never work again... but for those few hours...! From the country that brought you Samba...

I think this all leads on to a slice of filmic gold... imagine the scene... the man is out chopping wood, the woman at home walking around the house in lingerie, cause obviously that's how real life is. Suddenly the man runs in "Baby... I've been bitten, I've only got a few hours to live" The woman looks shocked... "But something happened" (The reveal)... "Lets not waste it" - It is then that the synth music kicks in with a healthy dose of wa-wa pedal and the 'romance' begins.

Further ideas...Maybe halfway through the paralysis could set in which provides a story based reason for changing positions to the 'lady' being on top. Why not on top of that allow a man dressed as the spider to come in 'get involved as well - genious. I have been called visionary but I believe this is golden. As for the sequel why not have a radioactive spider biting the man and he gaining 'super powers'.

So Mr Raimi, if you're listening and you're bored, if you fancy directing this possible trilogy let me know. I'm all ears.

A Curious Find

Until the other day I had never realised how empty my life was... I was incomplete, just a wandering lost soul roaming the planet without meaning. That was until I discovered...

Pussy! I never knew what I was missing! Before I knew it existed I never thought about it but now its all I can think about. I spend my entire day just thinking of Pussy. Some people would say it was a curse, that if I had never discovered it I would be thinking of 'more important things', but fuck them, what do they know?! They've obviously never tried Pussy. In fact I love the taste of this fantastic energy drink so much its the reason I get up in the morning and it keeps me awake and active late into the night. Whoever thought of putting Pussy in a can deserves a hand shake from me.

Today I had some Pussy at work, on the Tube and even grabbed myself some Pussy on the walk home. In fact it inspired me to try and invent a new kind of magnet that attracts aluminium cans and when I succeed I'm going to name my creation after the very product that inspired it. Clearly though, Pussy isn't new! I was watching some Bill Hicks the other night when I noticed his Pussy speech... Don't worry Bill, from what I hear most people are addicted to it too.

And the best thing about it is that every can seems to taste different! So go out and grab yourself some Pussy as quickly as you can! I promise you won't regret it and the next time I see you on the train and you look tired I'm going to ask ... hey buddy, when's the last time you had some Pussy?

New Year, New Plan!

As the hangovers fade and the debris from the streets get cleared, the people decide the set of promises that will be broken within the month. People will spend thousands on gym memberships that will be visited once or twice before the pass is resigned to the dusty drawer and the direct debit will keep on ticking over.

Others will promise to enjoy life more, yet never even contemplate following the dreams that shaped their childhoods.

This is not for me! I grew up always wanting to work as an actor and a writer. I have always wanted to appear in a zombie movie and live in Brazil. These are known as dreams. They have shaped my life and have led me to where I am now, so where did it all go wrong? Instead of on a film set I find myself paying bills with a sales job -professionally pissing people off for money.

So I set you a challenge this year if you are reading this... Follow a dream you had as a child!

If you wanted to be an artist - paint a picture... you don't have to cut off your ear or quit your daily grind. If you wanted to be a racing driver have a track day at a racing circuit. Remember the child you were and take inspiration from people like Wayne Dudley, 22, who wrote, directed and filmed a production which includes an actor out of 24 on a budget of £230 pounds:

http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/home-news/young-scot-writes-produces-and-directs-a-movie-for-230-1.1077418

The truth is that everyday I look in the mirror I forget a little bit more of what I wanted ... so its time to stop. This blog is now less a rant and more a statement of intent - it will follow my quest to stop taking life too seriously and realise my dreams...

And Brad Pitt, if you're reading this and your childhood dream was to work in a office and make phone calls to people who don't want to pick up, then please give me a shout cause I might just be up for a swap!